Ups and Downs

I'll be posting up some articles soon which are more straight informative things about mental health, what it is, what and who can help, that sort of thing.

But for now I'll bring you up to date with how I'm doing since my first post. I can say it's ups and downs. Thought when I say that the ups are periods of time where I don't feel miserable, not happy, just sort of a bit numb at the moment.

The downs are still pretty low. Feelings of lonliness, frustration, disappointment. I won't lie once again I've had thoughts wondering if anyone would miss me if I wasn't here anymore.
I'll admit I've taken one afternoon off work at short notice so I didn't end up sitting at my desk in the office crying.

I do have a direction now in terms of my job and know what kind of thing I'm looking to get into. That is good and it is the first time I've really had a direction rather than just drifting from job to job. This is the positve I need to focus on but right now the feeling of being trapped in a job that drains my energy is pushing down on me.

It feels like I'm so far away from being able to make a change. Part of the problem is I am finding it harder and harder to focus on my work whilst at work. This leads to two issues, one is I end up doing the bare minimum at work which makes me feel bad about myself as I've always had pride before in doing a good job at work. The other issue is this means I'm spending time at work over thinking a lot of other things, in particular relationship issues.

Elsewhere I had a great day visiting my sister and her family to celebrate my niece's birthday. My niece is such a joyous and happy personality that you can't help but feel better when you are around her. Watching her at her slime making party with her group of friends is heart-warming.

So I very much enjoyed the day and it helped to take my mind off things but I found once I was home I was overcome with a huge sense of lonliness. The come down from a day surrounded by people once back to an empty home. It's a horrible feeling as all I want is someone around to talk to, someone to make me feel loved but of course there is no one there.

So it end's up being a feeling that reinforces itself. This weekend it's meant I've struggled to sleep on the saturday, menaing I've had to drop out of my creative writing group on the sunday. Which again the acts to build the feelings of lonliness again as I settle into a day where I won't see anybody. A day which I'm hoping I won't waste sitting around over thinking relationships and feeling miserable for myself.

I've submitted my choices for a creative writing summer school this morning which I'm looking forward to and getting some blog writing done. This is important I feel as over the last week I have found myself slipping back into bad habits of just managing to waste my time and not completing any of my goals.

Part of this has been down to what I think I'd call stress over a relationship. I'm having to find a new balance with a good friend who I had started to hope would be something more despite knowing already if I was honest with myself they did not feel the same way. I dearly want to keep them as a friend but am having to make an adjustment in how I interact with them.

I can feel the relationship has changed, there is now a sense of awkwardness between us which was never there before. I hope over time this will fade and a strong friendship will prevail.

But the main struggle I'm having with this folds into the lonliness, it's the feel that I may never find a partner. Never have that supporting relationship that so many of those around me have. It's hard to describe, I'm not jealous of them directly, I'm happy they have it but feel the abscence of it in my life. I'm not sure that makes sense but that's part of emotions and mental health, sometimes it's hard to articulate why and how you are feeling.

So it's ups and downs. I need to remind myself to focus on the positives and I know I've been through darker periods but I must also allow myself to feel what I need to feel rather than try and ignore it. I've got signed up with my local GP and I will be talking to them about my mental health as I feel I will benefit from professional help and probably something I should of sought years ago.

It helps to put down some of what is going through my head here and do think in the long run I will get myself into a much better place