It starts with a Facebook post.
This journey starts with a Facebook post.
Recently I had something of a meltdown. A big crack in my mental health that left me feeling really low. Sat on the floor of my living room with what felt like a void deep inside me.
It's not the first time I've felt it. Although it wasn't the worst I'd felt it. I've had darker days, ones when I've asked myself "If I wasn't here anymore would anyone miss me?" I wouldn't say I've had serious thoughts about suicide but nor can I deny that I've had the odd moment when the thought or something in the direction has flickered through my mind.
My recent crack was the eruption of a lot of different things that had been combined to make me unhappy. Things which I'd not been dealing with properly, things which I kept avoiding directly facing as I pretended to the world that nothing was wrong. Always saying "Good, thanks" when asked how I was doing. It was rarely, if ever, actually true.
It was sparked off by the realisation I'd been using the hope of a relationship developing into something more than it was to paper over so many other areas of my life that were making me unhappy.
In a job that I find drains energy from me, a job that bores me which I struggle to find any satisfaction from, a role that really doesn't fulfil me. The latest in a sequence of jobs exactly like this. I've always day dreamt of the jobs I would like to do but always just drifted from one unfulfilling job to another.
Another factor is I've spent years struggling with relationships of all kinds, from friends to family to the romantic. This is rooted in the difficulty I've had since I was young in talking about and expressing my feelings with people (and to some extent also with myself). I've often found my myself feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people because I struggled to tell anyone if I was feeling low.
I would always tell myself I was too scared to share my feelings with people and so I wouldn't which would then reinforce in my own head the idea that I wasn't brave enough to do it.
So in the last week I've found a wave of feelings of isolation, disappointment and unfulfillment in where my life currently stands.
I've been through this kind of depression before, this kind of huge low and I've had long periods where I've carried with me a constant low level unhappiness. Telling myself I just had to get through the feeling until I felt better but never acted to make any genuine changes, which meant I kept repeating a cycle.
However this time has been different. This time instead of bottling feelings up inside, instead of wondering why everyone else found life so easy and just carrying on, this time I shared. Starting with a Facebook post.
The act of sharing has turned out to be a first step for me. I shared with everyone, whilst at first feeling like I was just sharing with my laptop only. I've broken my cycle.
Over the last week or so I've had a lot of support from a lot of people. I've realised what it is I need to change to get to a point where I'm happy being inside my own skin, inside my own head. There will be ups and downs ahead I've no doubt on this journey, but I have it within my own hands to make my mental health stronger.
As part of this journey I plan to share my experiences, from the small daily steps (like eating heathier) to the larger ones (seeking professional support where I need it) in the hope it'll show we can all do it.
Alongside my own journey I'll be posting up articles on mental health issues, the support options available and most important of all encouraging everyone to not feel alone if they are struggling
Recently I had something of a meltdown. A big crack in my mental health that left me feeling really low. Sat on the floor of my living room with what felt like a void deep inside me.
It's not the first time I've felt it. Although it wasn't the worst I'd felt it. I've had darker days, ones when I've asked myself "If I wasn't here anymore would anyone miss me?" I wouldn't say I've had serious thoughts about suicide but nor can I deny that I've had the odd moment when the thought or something in the direction has flickered through my mind.
My recent crack was the eruption of a lot of different things that had been combined to make me unhappy. Things which I'd not been dealing with properly, things which I kept avoiding directly facing as I pretended to the world that nothing was wrong. Always saying "Good, thanks" when asked how I was doing. It was rarely, if ever, actually true.
It was sparked off by the realisation I'd been using the hope of a relationship developing into something more than it was to paper over so many other areas of my life that were making me unhappy.
In a job that I find drains energy from me, a job that bores me which I struggle to find any satisfaction from, a role that really doesn't fulfil me. The latest in a sequence of jobs exactly like this. I've always day dreamt of the jobs I would like to do but always just drifted from one unfulfilling job to another.
Another factor is I've spent years struggling with relationships of all kinds, from friends to family to the romantic. This is rooted in the difficulty I've had since I was young in talking about and expressing my feelings with people (and to some extent also with myself). I've often found my myself feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people because I struggled to tell anyone if I was feeling low.
I would always tell myself I was too scared to share my feelings with people and so I wouldn't which would then reinforce in my own head the idea that I wasn't brave enough to do it.
So in the last week I've found a wave of feelings of isolation, disappointment and unfulfillment in where my life currently stands.
I've been through this kind of depression before, this kind of huge low and I've had long periods where I've carried with me a constant low level unhappiness. Telling myself I just had to get through the feeling until I felt better but never acted to make any genuine changes, which meant I kept repeating a cycle.
However this time has been different. This time instead of bottling feelings up inside, instead of wondering why everyone else found life so easy and just carrying on, this time I shared. Starting with a Facebook post.
The act of sharing has turned out to be a first step for me. I shared with everyone, whilst at first feeling like I was just sharing with my laptop only. I've broken my cycle.
Over the last week or so I've had a lot of support from a lot of people. I've realised what it is I need to change to get to a point where I'm happy being inside my own skin, inside my own head. There will be ups and downs ahead I've no doubt on this journey, but I have it within my own hands to make my mental health stronger.
As part of this journey I plan to share my experiences, from the small daily steps (like eating heathier) to the larger ones (seeking professional support where I need it) in the hope it'll show we can all do it.
Alongside my own journey I'll be posting up articles on mental health issues, the support options available and most important of all encouraging everyone to not feel alone if they are struggling
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